Heart Matters

Dear Harriet
My best friend, who is 47 years old, has breast cancer. Her therapist says she has chosen this illness as a way to leave an unbearable marriage, and that she will not get better unless she follows her “true path.” My friend is very passive and accommodating and should have left her husband years ago, in my opinion. She is also avoids conflict and stuffs all her feelings. Could her therapist be right that these personal problems could have caused her cancer?

Dear Reader,
I do not share this therapist’s interpretation of your friend’s illness. This is not to deny the connection between our emotional and physical well-being. When we live comprised lives, and violate our core values, needs, and beliefs, our bodies may indeed give us a signal in the form of anger, anxiety, depression or physical problems. When our work or relationships are severely compromised, it may affect our immune systems. Surely our bodies can only benefit when we live examined lives that include a large share of love, wisdom, truth, courage, and adventure.

That said, your friend did not cause her cancer. Acquiring a life-threatening disease does not mean one hasn’t lived authentically or assertively enough. Following one’s true path is undoubtedly a good and healthful idea, but it is no guarantee against getting cancer or preventing its return. Woman are far less passive and more self-directed since the second wave of feminism, yet the rate of breast cancer has reached epidemic proportions in modern times.

I’ve lived long enough to see countless numbers of dishonest, fraudulent, disconnected folks ripen to a mean-spirited old age, while an alarmingly large number of joyful, loving women are being prematurely diagnosed with breast cancer, most often with no family history. It is profit madness—and its poisoning of our soil, water, food, and sky—not personality deficit that is leading to a startling increase of cancer among young people in certain neighborhoods and communities. It is our environment, not our personal lives, that demand a cleanup when it comes to cancer.

Although your friend didn’t cause her cancer, her diagnosis might prompt her to reexamine and change her life. When faced with mortality, some people are inspired to take a large and courageous leap forward. The diagnosis of cancer, like any threat to our survival, can awaken us from a psychic slumber and inspire us to be more clear-eyed and awake. Living our own lives as well as possible is a worthwhile goal whether we are ill or not.

--Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. is one of the foremost voices on family relationships and the psychology of women. She is the author of ten books including New York Times bestseller, The Dance of Anger. Lerner is an internationally renowned lecturer and consultant who has published widely here and abroad, in professional journals as well as popular magazines. Her newest book is Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear and Shame That Keep Us From Optimal Living and Loving. For further information visit www.harrietlerner.com