The Power of Saying No

On almost a daily basis we’re called to say yes. The affirmative power of that single word is potent, carrying within it the seed of all possibilities. Yes ushers in new beginnings, fresh hopes, second chances and lifelong loyalties. We’re called to say yes by the deepest, truest things within us—our creativity, our desire for connection, our love of life and our willingness to help others.

But we’re also called to say yes by our sense of guilt, or out of habit, or because we’re addicted to adrenaline and novelty. Or because we believe that people won’t like us, or will think we’re not nice (or special or heroic or The Good One), if we say no. While yes can absolutely be the best answer, it can also be the worst. The first trick is in learning what’s calling you.

Listen to Your Heart—and Your Heartburn
If you agree to do things that you continually put off, dread or need antacids to slog through, stop and listen to what your resistance—and your body—is trying to tell you. Does the thought of what you’ve said yes to fill you with resentment, anger or anxiety? Are those feelings knotting up your neck, churning up your stomach or pumping up your blood pressure? If so, ask yourself if you really want to do the things you agree to do. If the answer is a genuine yes, discover how to do those things in a way that supports your own well being. If the answer is no, trying saying it more often.

No Isn’t Always a Negative
There are old pursuits that become dead ends, jobs that can suck you dry, and addictions that can swallow you whole. There are people in the world who are waiting for you to do everything so that they can continue to do nothing. There are people in the world who are counting on your silent acquiescence so they can continue to do harm. There are people who, as James Taylor sang, “will take your soul if you let them. But don’t you let them.” Sometimes the most powerfully positive thing you can say is no.

You Don’t Get a Gold Star for Being a Martyr
“Nobody else can do it.”
“I’m the only one they trust.”
“It’s easier if I just do it myself.”

Sound familiar? If you think you are the only one who can properly finish a report, make a sandwich or take your mother to the doctor you’re probably wrong. To check that theory out, try letting someone else do it—or a portion of it—just once. Then honestly examine how you feel about it. Is it a relief to you or a disappointment? Do you feel less needed, less important, less special? Did the person who took over for you do it as well or better than you? Are you mad about that or elated? Whatever your feelings, know this: someday you’ll be gone and someone else will go ahead and make the sandwich. The world pretty much depends on it. So while you’re futzing today, be sure to eat one.

Run Slower
“Each man should strive to learn before he dies, what he is running to, and from, and why,” wrote James Thurber. In order to actually do that, we have to occasionally run slower, jog intermittently, stop to rest, take a sip of water and admire the view. Life is full of to and from, away and back, yes and no. Be sure to catch the view from all of them.

Bite the Bullet (Gently)
Face it. Not everything we say yes to is thrilling and we can’t always say no. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t particularly want to do. It’s part of being a grownup. There are an endless number of tasks and their details—repetitive, tedious and grimy—that go into building and sharing a life. The lotus springs from the mud. And so can you.