Heart Matters

Dear Harriet
My boyfriend of almost one year is beginning to act possessive since we’ve started to talk about marriage. He’s pressuring me to quit my reading group because it meets on Friday nights. He sulks when I go to the movies with my friends. He wants me to cancel an important trip with my two sisters because he’s off work then and wants us to go away together. We both hate conflict, so we haven’t talked directly with the problem. I’m madly in love with this guy and I don’t want to dump him, but I feel freaked out by his trying to control my other relationships.

Dear Reader,
Don’t dump him and don’t freak out about his behavior. Just keep a close eye on your behavior and make sure you don’t give up your life for this guy. His possessiveness probably won’t get worse unless you go along. So don’t cancel your reading group or movie dates or camping plans with your sister.

If you hold fast to your independence and resist accommodating too much (which doesn’t mean being rigid, uncompromising, or distant) and take care not to lose yourself in this relationship, one of two things will happen. Either your boyfriend will rise to the occasion and mature a bit himself, or the relationship won’t work and he’ll find another woman out there who will join him in the urge to merge.

Consider putting off the conversation about marriage until you have more time to size up this relationship up. Be as clear-eyed and awake as possible and do as much talking and listening as you can before you think about entwining your emotional and financial futures. Talk openly about this differences between you (he wants more togetherness, you want more separateness) to help you both assess your ability to negotiate, consider each other’s feelings, and compromise when appropriate. Conflict is an opportunity to learn more about your self and the relationship, so don’t avoid it. You won’t help matters if you ride the relationship like a two-person bicycle that will topple over if there is not agreement and togetherness.

It takes time to assess whether another person has the qualities and behaviors we want in a life partner. Being madly in love tells us absolutely nothing about whether a particular relationship is solid and growth-fostering. Intense emotions, as compelling as they are, can block our objectivity and blur our capacity for clear thinking and clear speaking. The important question is not the intensity of the love we feel, but whether the relationship is good for us and whether we are navigating our part of it in a solid way.

It’s a challenge in all intimate relationships to preserve both the “I” and the “we” without losing either when the going gets rough. But if you’re faced with a choice down the road, of course you should save yourself first. Remember that if your words say one things. (“I can’t tolerate this!”) and your actions say another (you continue to tolerate it.) actions speak louder.

--Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. is one of the foremost voices on family relationships and the psychology of women. She is the author of ten books including New York Times bestseller, The Dance of Anger. Lerner is an internationally renowned lecturer and consultant who has published widely here and abroad, in professional journals as well as popular magazines. Her newest book is Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear and Shame That Keep Us From Optimal Living and Loving. For further information visit www.harrietlerner.com